


Spots All The Way Down

by Jemeryl



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-06-27 09:22:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15682557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jemeryl/pseuds/Jemeryl
Summary: Major Kira is having a hard enough time adjusting to the new Bajor. She certainly doesn't need to be distracted by a certain captivating young Federation science officer - especially not one with a centuries-old symbiont living in her stomach. Lieutenant Dax, however, is going to do much more than distract her.





	1. Season 1, Episode 4: Babel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kira finds out that Dax is interested in women. Singlehandedly saving the station from an aphasia virus, however, leaves her no time to process this revelation.

Dax and Kira were taking a stroll through the promenade, elbows bumping companionably as they walked. Kira had completely forgotten where they were going and what they had been talking about.

How did she move like that? She wondered, observing Dax surreptitiously from the corner of her eye. Perfect posture, tall and graceful, her body loose and flowing as if she was a dancer. Kira felt boxy and clumsy by comparison. She couldn't figure out how to keep from holding her arms stiffly at her sides. Her hip had been broken several years ago in a botched attempt to sabotage an armed Cardassian convoy, and the slight limp she still carried had never made her feel more self conscious. In fact, she couldn't help but feel a little envious of the tall, slender lieutenant, with her shiny black hair pulled back into a neat ponytail, her dark skin, intense eyes and strong features. Not to mention the spots running from her temples, down her jaw and the sides of her neck and disappearing beneath her uniform collar (Did they go all the way down? She couldn't help but wonder). By comparison, Kira was short and stocky, with bright red hair. The bluntness of her features was accentuated by a broken nose - another souvenir of the Cardassian occupation. 

She had never met anyone quite like Jadzia Dax, and - although she would never admit it to anyone, least of all herself - she couldn't help but be a little infatuated. The more time she spent with Dax, the more it became obvious that she was definitely not the only one nursing a soft spot for the beautiful Trill... although many were far more blatant about it.

"Ladies," said a passing Bajoran man with an appreciative look, mostly at Dax. Kira rolled her eyes pointedly at him, and he hurried past sheepishly. 

"Hello, Lieutenant," said an Andorian woman in a tight red dress that clashed horribly with her pale blue skin. She looked Dax up and down as if she was barely able to control her lust. Dax returned the look with polite interest, seeming completely unfazed by the attention. 

"Oh, I forgot how different it was," Dax commented. They were nearing Quark's bar, and she had to lean closer to Kira to be heard over the sound of raucous customers and beeping, warbling gambling machines. 

"How different what was?" Kira asked. Dax was well into her personal space, but she couldn't move away if she wanted to hear what she had to say. The woman seemed to run hot, like she was a portable heating unit or something. That was surely the reason why Kira was feeling warmer than usual – that, or the environmental controls on the promenade were malfunctioning. 

"Being female," Dax answered, and Kira opened her mouth as if to answer, then shut it. What did you say to that? "I haven't been one in over eighty years. All this attention."

"I imagine it must take some getting used to."

"Actually, I find it quite enjoyable."

"Even getting attention from other women?" Kira asked carefully, wondering if Dax would take the question the wrong way.

"Especially attention from other women," Dax said, smirking at the way Kira's eyes widened at this response.

"Major Kira!" hailed Quark from the bar just then, sparing Kira from trying to think of an answer, "Lieutenant Dax... I'd be, ah... honoured to have you join my little party – as my guests, of course." 

"What's all this, Quark?" Kira said loudly, striding towards him. "You cheat your one thousandth customer?" She was unreasonably annoyed by the way he made everything sound like an innuendo, but she was also grateful for an excuse to escape from Dax. 

He glanced sidelong at her, clearly unimpressed. "Who says Bajorans don't have a sense of humor? Actually, uh, we're celebrating the repair of the bar's replicator system. Perhaps I could interest you in a nice... double-whipped... I'danian spice pudding?" His eyes went slightly out of focus as he gazed at Major Kira, clearly thinking about something much less wholesome than alien desserts.

Just as Kira was about to unleash with a devastating retort, Dax asked her, "Oh, what do you think?" As Kira turned towards her, Dax opened her mouth in a smile and raised her eyebrows. She looked and sounded so genuine that any cutting remarks died on her tongue. In fact, her mind had gone completely blank.

"I think I'm due back at Ops," she stammered. Did Dax know how pretty her lips looked, parted in a hopeful smile like that? "But, uh, go on, enjoy yourself." She turned to escape before Dax could answer, but couldn't miss the way her face fell with disappointment.

Dax consoled herself by eyeing up Kira's butt as she walked away. She grinned slyly as she turned back towards Quark. "I think our darling Major has a bit of a crush on you," he said in a sing-song voice, leaning over the counter as if this juicy bit of gossip was more delicious to him than any I'danian spice pudding. 

"You know I only have eyes for you, Quark," Dax teased, her smile widening before she walked away.

Quark buffed his fingernails on the front of his tunic as he watched her go. "The poor woman simply can't resist my charms," he murmured before turning back to his many customers.

*

Twenty-six hours later, Kira had completely forgotten about I'danian spice pudding, Dax's apparent interest in members of the same sex, or anything else. She was in the makeshift infirmary, busy helping Dr. Surmak administer the antidotes to the victims of his ill-fated aphasia virus. The victims happened to be the entire population of Deep Space Nine, including the senior staff – all except for Odo, who, as a changeling, seemed to have been the only one immune to the virus. 

She had to hand it to the man – he knew his stuff. The fever symptoms, he said, wouldn't completely subside for a few days, but the aphasia disappeared within minutes. One by one, the residents of the space station were reverting to normal speech instead of gobbledegook. 

Kira could only have imagined the havok the virus would have caused if it had been successfully activated while the Cardassians still had control of the space station. The resulting breakdown of communications would've allowed the Bajoran workers to riot and cause some serious damage – maybe even take over the station. Shame it had never happened, although Kira did take a smug satisfaction in imagining it. 

She stole a glance over at Dax, who was helping to check on patients instead of doing the sensible thing, which was to lie down and recover. Kira ambled over nonchalantly, as if she wasn't looking where she was going and had no particular destination in mind.  
Then she wondered what the hell she was doing. Dax was her friend. She wanted to check on her friend. There wasn't anything to feel embarrassed about... was there?

She headed straight for Dax, who turned towards her, smiling. "Hi," Kira said, "You're looking better. How are you feeling?"

"Nothing that a few nights' sleep won't cure," Dax replied. She gently took Kira's elbow and maneuvered her so that they were sitting on one of the pallets. "I hear you were the one who saved all our skins – did you really abduct a Bajoran medical administrator right from his office in a runabout?" 

Kira bobbed her head from side to side demurely, "Well, when you put it like that... I guess I did! I'm just glad I got him back to the station in time for him to develop an antidote."

Dax started to laugh, but it quickly turned into a cough. Kira put a hand on her shoulder. "You should really be back in your quarters, Dax. You were one of the first to come down with the virus, you should be resting."

"I think you're right," Dax said, putting one hand on Kira's and giving it a squeeze. "It looks like everything's under control here."

"Absolutely," Kira said, giving her a reassuring nod. "Is there anything I can get for you?"

Dax considered this, then answered, with a twinkle in her eye, "Maybe when I'm feeling a little better, you can take me to Quark's for some I'danian spice pudding?"

"O-of course," Kira stuttered, "Whatever you want."

"Looking forward to it," Dax smiled at Kira, "See you tomorrow."

As soon as Dax had left, Kira leapt to her feet and busied herself with helping Dr. Surmak with the rest of the patients – trying to keep from grinning to herself like an idiot.


	2. Season 1, Episode 7: Dax

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jadzia faces execution for a crime her symbiont's previous host committed. Kira realizes she has a lot of questions, not just about Trills, but about sexuality too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note to readers: I'm not interested in transcribing every episode of Deep Space Nine word for word... I want to provide just enough context that newcomers and fans who don't remember every episode's plot will know what's going on. I also want to maintain the feel of the star trek universe and the personalities of the other characters. My main goal is to show how Kira and Dax's relationship develops in and around the events of Deep Space Nine as time progresses, as if they had been written as a couple. I hope I do a good job and that you enjoy it!

"It's almost as if the refiltration processors were waiting for O'Brien to leave before breaking down," Julian said, although he was far more interested in gazing dreamily at Dax than thinking about refiltration processors. They were sitting in the replimat after hours, surrounded by other diners, drinking raktajinos. 

"This technology looks like something the Cardassians must have taken from the Romulans... is that an RCL Type-1 matrix field..." Dax hummed thoughtfully to herself, staring intently at her datapad while Julian stared intently at her.

"Perhaps we should call in a Romulan repair service," Julian quipped. He really didn't know enough about refiltration processors to offer any advice, and he had much more important things on his mind, such as how Dax might look with her clothes off.

"... or an RCL Type-2?"

"Another raktajino?" suggested Julian, giving his cup an airy little wave.

"It'll keep me up all night," Dax answered distractedly, eyes still fixed on her datapad.

"I can think of better ways to keep you up... and they're more fun than drinking Klingon coffee," he flirted shamelessly. 

She looked up at him and he perked up hopefully. "Definitely a type-1," she said, completely straight-faced, then returned to consulting her pad. Julian deflated as if someone had punctured him with a needle.

Next moment someone cuffed him sharply on the back of the head. He yelped (more in surprise than pain) and jumped in a way that accentuated his long limbs, all angular shoulders and bony elbows. 

"Is that an appropriate way to speak to a lieutenant, doctor?" Major Kira barked at him, "I thought starfleet officers were sticklers for protocol. Maybe you should read up on the articles regarding sexual harassment in the workplace."

Julian rubbed the back of his head and held out one beseeching hand to Dax. "I-I-I didn't mean... I-I was just... surely you know, Dax, that I'd never - "

Dax laid her hand on his forearm. "Don't worry about it, Julian. We'll discuss this later. Why don't you get off to bed?" She said with a touch of pity, as if speaking to a Rigelian sand puppy who had just been scolded but didn't quite understand why. He beat a hasty retreat, abandoning his half-finished raktajino.

Kira watched him go, jaw set. She was adorable when she got angry, Dax mused to herself – but Julian could stand not to get on the Major's bad side. "How did I know you'd turn out to be the knight in shining armour type?" she teased.

Kira looked down at Dax in surprise. "I'm sorry if he was bothering you, or – I mean, I would've done the same if it was one of my officers," she said, drawing herself up officially. The motion made the Major's uniform tunic tighten appealingly over her chest, Jadzia noticed with an appreciative glance. 

"I've dealt with more than my fair share of predatory people over the centuries," Jadzia said, pinning Kira with a frank stare, "and rest assured that Julian is not one of them – he's harmless. And if he wasn't, I certainly wouldn't need a knight to come along and defend me." She took a pointed sip of her raktajino. The light tone of her voice took the sting out of the rebuke, but it still had the desired effect. 

Kira looked mortified. "I'm so sorry, Dax – I never meant to cause offence, or..."

Jadzia took Kira's hand and guided her gently into the chair recently vacated by Julian. "None taken. But I have a question, if you don't mind my asking."

"Go ahead."

"I'm curious – would you have reacted differently if it was me propositioning Julian – or you, for example?"

"Well, of course it's different if it's the other way around – he's a man, and," something clunked into place inside Kira's head. "Wait... did you say me? Me propositioning Julian or you propositioning..."

Dax didn't answer for a moment, then lifted her mug. "Raktajino?" She considered throwing in a wink, but felt that might be pushing it. She settled for raising an eyebrow instead.

Kira stared at her, eyebrows raised. "Um..." she said.

Dax sighed and put the cup down. "Well, it would keep me up all night. And frankly, I can think of much better ways to be... kept up."

She stood up and gave Kira a smile that was one twitch of the lip away from being a smirk. "Goodnight, Major." Then she walked away without waiting for an answer. 

"Goodnight," Kira called after her. 

Her grin widened. The Major really was adorable. However, she had edge, something the young Doctor Bashir lacked. Now if only Kira would start to pursue her just as ardently as he did... 

*

Kira stared after Dax, trying to keep her heartbeat in check . She couldn't remember the last time someone had affected her like this. And that comment... surely Dax had said it to illustrate her point, nothing more. Right?

It was in interesting question, one that Kira didn't want to look at too closely, but couldn't stay away from. How would I have reacted if Dax had been propositioning me instead of Julian...?

A surly replimat attendant shuffled past, dumping the raktajino cups into a tray so carelessly that she actually heard one of them crack, then started to give the table a wipe down with a rag so filthy he actually seemed to be making the table dirtier. She'd have to talk to promenade management about proper sanitary procedures and staff training...

The attendant stopped wiping, his rag stopping inches from a datapad – Dax's datapad, which she must have forgotten. He gave Kira a look as filthy as his rag, as if blaming her personally for disrupting his duties, then turned and stumped away without finishing his cleaning, the fleshy tendrils sprouting from the back of his head wobbling accusingly.

Kira picked up the datapad, pillowing her chin moodily on her hand. She scanned the scientific technobabble on the screen without really reading it. Dax gave this air of complete confidence and control at all times, a feat Kira wouldn't have been able to manage even if she tried. However, she had left the datapad here. That either meant she clearly wasn't as faultless as she appeared to be...

Or that she had left it specifically for Kira to find. 

But that was crazy! Why would she do that? Unless... but surely Kira was totally overthinking this.

Kira tapped her chin thoughtfully with the datapad for a moment, then shot to her feet. "Computer," she said, already heading towards the turbolift, "What's the location of Lieutenant Dax's quarters?"

*

She was hurrying along the corridor of Habitat section B, thinking she might just be able to catch Dax before she entered her quarters, when she heard the telltale sound of a scuffle – and the alarmed shout of a familiar voice. 

Breaking into a run, she rounded the corner and saw Dax struggling with three assailants – all clad in nondescript gray clothing – each carrying a phaser. One balding and older, with a strange armoured glove on one hand. The others taller, one man, one woman. Disctinctive ridges on the temples, Kira noticed – a detail to analyse later. 

The gloved man retreated with Dax in an armlock, still attempting to subdue her, while the other two turned to face Kira, who was sprinting right at them.

They weren't fast enough. She smashed the datapad so hard into the man's face it cracked into pieces. He roared in pain and fell against the wall, blood pouring from a gash on his brow. 

The other woman was moving forward, bringing up her phaser. Kira threw the broken, sparking remnants of the datapad into her face. The woman brought the arm holding the phaser up instinctively to protect her face, and Kira barreled forward, sinking her fist into the woman's stomach. She doubled over with a retch, and Kira grabbed her hair and slammed the woman's face into her knee. There was the telltale sickening crunch of a breaking nose. She snatched the phaser out of the woman's hand, turned halfway and shot the man in the foot as he started back towards her. It was on a low setting, and he hopped comically on the spot for a moment before falling over, clutching his foot and cursing.

Kira pushed the woman sprawling to the ground and turned, lifting the phaser. She just had time to register Dax lying prone on the floor and the older man streaking towards her, gauntlet raised -

When she came to there was a splitting pain in her head and she felt like she'd been hit by a cargo hauler. She groaned and pushed herself groggily to her knees. Damn it! How long had she been out? Were they still on the station? Why hadn't she done the smart thing and called for help before she tried to fight three people head on? "Kira to Ops," she snapped, furious with herself, "Security to habitat section B – Dax's quarters – someone... three people abducted her. I tried to stop them but..." she tried to get to her feet but sank back against the wall instead, fighting the urge to vomit. 

"We're on it, Major," came Commander Sisko's voice. Kira held her throbbing, spinning head in her hands and tried to keep from passing out again.

*

"You're lucky you didn't get a concussion," Dr. Bashir said, moving a beeping instrument up and down the side of Kira's head, "But there's no major damage. You're good to go, Major."

There was no trace of resentment in Dr. Bashir's voice. She had to hand it to him – the man didn't hold grudges, even though Kira had hit him on the back of the head less than an hour ago. She'd have to find time to apologize to him later. "Thanks, doctor," she said as Commander Sisko walked through the door of the infirmary, followed by Constable Odo – both looked grave.

They explained the situation and Kira became more and more incredulous with every sentence.

"So let me get this straight... Jadzia has a slug inside of her. The slug is Dax. The slug goes from host to host whenever one of them dies, and Jadzia is the slug's... fifth? Sixth host?" Kira asked, looking from Odo to Sisko for confirmation.

"Sixth," said Sisko. 

"Sixth. So Dax's last host – Curzon – committed some crime on these people's homeworld. Allegedly committed some crime. Which ended up causing the death of their greatest hero, General Tandro. But since Curzon is dead, Jadzia has the Dax symbiont, and they've decided to blame Jadzia for whatever crime Curzon committed?"

"You seem to have summed it up nicely," said Odo in his slow, gravelly voice.

"But that's – that's the stupidest thing I've – what are they thinking?" she burst out, leaping off the infirmary bench and immediately regretting it as her head gave a sharp and painful throb. "They can't possibly succeed with this. I mean, this is absolutely ridiculous!"

"I completely agree, Major," Sisko said in a placating tone of voice, although his grave expression made it plain that he wasn't any happier than she was with the situation, "And I'm doing everything in my power to make sure they don't succeed."

"And one other thing," Odo grumbled, "The man they sent to take Dax into custody is none other than Ilon Tandro – the son of the late General Tandro!" He shook his head and gave a snort of disbelief. 

Kira gaped at Odo, "So what? This is all happening because this... Ilon Tandro wants revenge?"

"We don't know what their motives are," said Sisko, "But General Tandro is a hero among his people. He's a martyr – his death gave his people the strength they needed to win their civil war. This may well be political. If the ruling party can bring the general's murderer to justice, it would earn them a great deal of goodwill and political power."

He paced back and forth in front of Kira and gave her a very crafty look. "Unfortunately there's nothing starfleet," he said pointedly, "can do. The Federation's treaty with Klaestron 4 allows for unilateral extradition." 

"If that's true, why did they need to try and kidnap her in front of her quarters?" she asked. Sisko looked at her, eyes twinkling mischeivously, until she realized, "Klaestron 4 doesn't have a treaty with Bajor!" Her face darkened with fury, and she pounded one fist into her palm. "Of all the lousy, underhanded -"

"Correct me if I'm wrong, Major... but I don't think the Provisional Government is going to be very happy when they hear about this little incident," he said with a shit-eating grin on his face.

Kira leaned back against the hospital bed and gave him an appraising look. "You know, Commander, I think I'm starting to like you."

*

Kira paused outside the door to Dax's quarters. She had come straight from Commander Sisko's office, where she had told an irate Ilon Tandro that Bajor had refused his extradition request, and that furthermore they didn't appreciate him sneaking onto a Bajoran station to try and steal their target away from under the nose of the provisional government... especially since Klaestron 4 was considered an ally of Cardassia. The man had swollen like a toad, his eyes bulging with rage. It was small payback considering he was the one who had raised a lump the size of an egg on her head with that stupid armored glove of his, but she'd take what she could get. 

Kira smirked at the memory, but sobered almost instantly. The evidence against Jadzia was one thing, but there was one other, major factor working against their efforts to keep her on the station: the fact that she didn't seem to care much about what was happening at all. She seemed perfectly happy to let them take her back to Klaestron 4... where they would probably execute her.

She jammed her thumb furiously into the door control. "Dax, it's Kira. Are you in there?" 

The door chimed and slid open. She barged in, ready to argue her case furiously, ready to shake Dax until she came to her senses and started fighting for her life – but all the anger went out of her when she saw Dax sitting at her desk, staring down at some datapads. She seemed to be totally lost in her own thoughts.

Kira strode up to her and looked down at the mess of datapads and charts covering Dax's desk. "Still trying to figure out those refiltration processors, huh?" she asked. 

Dax jumped in surprise, even though she'd opened the door for Kira only a moment before. "Oh! Yes, I suppose I am," she murmured, and returned to her work.

Kira had never seen Dax look so... blur. She drew up a chair and sat down. "Dax, what's going on? They're talking about... about execution and you don't seem to care what happens to you."

Dax placed the datapad she was holding carefully on the desk and got up. She walked over to the viewport and stared out of it into space, hands clasped behind her back. Kira followed, getting a little annoyed now. "Sisko is furious. He said if you were still a man, he'd..." She smacked one fist into her other palm.

This finally earned her a look from Dax, who showed a shadow of her old humour. "That's just like Benjamin," she said fondly. 

"I told him he couldn't take you, man or woman."

Dax laughed – not as heartily as she would've done only last night, it was true, but she had. "You're a good friend, Nerys."

"That's the first time you've called me that," Kira said quietly, "Does that mean I get to call you Jadzia now?"

"When we're alone," said Jadzia, a little mysteriously. Kira's heart gave a jolt before she remembered she was supposed to be annoyed. 

"Well, Jadzia, I won't have much chance to call you that if they ship you off to Klaestron 4 for execution! Is that what you want? Are you guilty? Did you really murder General Tandro?" She demanded.

"You don't have to protect me, Nerys," said Jadzia, seeming to be a little annoyed now herself. 

"Jadzia, I'm your senior officer – I have a responsibility to protect the lives under my command -"

"Benjamin said almost those exact same words to me earlier. You're more like him than you think, you know. In fact, when he was your age, his temper was just as fiery as yours is. Maybe that's why he likes you so much."

"Don't try to distract me!" Kira interrupted, torn between fury at being compared to him and an almost irresistible curiosity as to what memories Jadzia had of a young Ensign Sisko... or were they Curzon's memories? "Look, it's my job to find out the truth. If you really are responsible for that murder, I won't defend you, no matter how ridiculous I find this situation. But you aren't even trying to defend yourself! What's really going on, Dax?"

"I'm sorry, Nerys," Jadzia said, pursing her lips and turning back to her desk.

Knowing a lost cause when she saw one, Kira turned and left without another word. 

 

After a few nerve wracking days, the hearing was over. Ilon Tandro had lost. He had left as soon as possible after his defeat, head down and shoulders bowed. Kira felt a certain cruel satisfaction at his defeat, but considering how close they had come to losing Dax, she didn't have the heart to gloat. 

From her seat at the replimat, she could see a familiar figure on the upper level, gazing out of a viewport to watch the wormhole open and close. General Tandro's widow, Enina. And walking slowly towards her... Dax.

Enina turned as she heard her approach. She was shorter than Dax, and they made a striking couple, Dax in her crisp starfleet uniform and Enina with her fine gown and shining silver hair. 

She felt like a voyeur, spying on a private moment between two people. A look passed between them, a nostalgic, aching look that Kira couldn't put a name to. As if two long lost lovers were meeting again, but both of them had moved on.

Kira gazed up at them, head full of thoughts. Earlier, Enina had swooped in to end the trial by declaring that Curzon Dax had been in her bed the night her husband had been murdered – an airtight alibi. 

They'd had an affair, that was for certain, but the way they were looking at each other – as if they were in love, or had been. How much of that had continued on in Dax? Kira wondered. Was it possible that Curzon's feelings for Enina had been passed on to Jadzia through the Dax symbiont? 

Possible that Jadzia could feel such things for another woman?

Enina took Dax's face in both of hers and said something to her, probably something awfully meaningful. Then they embraced. Kira couldn't look away. 

When they broke apart, Dax turned and walked away from Enina without looking back – but she had a small, peaceful smile on her face.

Then she caught Kira staring up from the lower level, and Kira hastily went back to her raktajino and her militia training reports, trying to pretend she hadn't been staring at them creepily for the last five minutes. 

A short time later, Jadzia appeared in the replimat and headed straight for Kira. "You know," she said, sitting down and setting her datapad on the table, "If I didn't know any better I'd think you were keeping an eye on me." 

"I wasn't," Kira reassured her hurriedly, "Keeping an eye on you. I mean, I had my eye on you because you were there - but keeping an eye on you, no!" She took a sip of raktajino to try and stop herself from babbling and almost spat it right out. 

"This is horrible," she grimaced, gesturing helplessly at the mug as if it was the cause of her awkwardness, "I don't know how you can stand it."

"I hated it too," Dax replied, "But Curzon loved it, and after my Joining I got a taste for it."

"You can have mine then," Kira sighed gratefully, sliding her mug across the table. Their fingertips brushed momentarily as Dax took it. As she took a sip, her eyes wandered up the promenade and came to rest on the upper level, where she had just stood with Enina. The spot was empty. Perhaps Enina had already boarded her transport back to Klaestron 4.

"Did Curzon love her?" Kira blurted out before she could stop herself. Dax's eyes snapped back to her, and she stammered, "I'm sorry, that was rude of me, I had no right to - "

"Yes, he did" Jadzia answered simply, cutting Kira off. "You know, you can ask me whatever you want, Nerys. I might not answer... but you can ask."

"Do you feel the same way he did? For her?" she asked, feeling her ears turn just as red as her hair. 

Dax mulled this over for a few moments. "There's a part of me that remembers what they had together. Curzon swore himself to silence to protect her and I... I felt I had to uphold that promise."

"Even if you had to die to do it?" Kira was incredulous.

"Isn't there anyone you would've given up your life for?" Dax asked her, looking at her frankly.

"Of course," Kira murmured. She lapsed into silence, thinking of all the people in the resistance she would've died for in a heartbeat. Countless comrades and leaders, Bajoran victims of the Cardassian occupation... yes. But for love? Had she ever felt so strongly that way about another person?

"There is one thing that really bothers me about all this," mused Dax, interrupting Kira's thoughts. 

"What's that?"

She picked up her datapad and pointed it at Kira like a phaser, "All that and I still need to fix those refiltration processors," she smiled ruefully.

Kira couldn't help but laugh.


	3. Season 1, Episode 14: Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kira finally breaks down after suffering two tragic losses. A concerned Dax tries to find out what's wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Mention of suicide, suicidal ideation
> 
> Part of this fic, long-term, is that a lot of Kira's trauma will come up*. There will always be CWs so you can skip to the fluff if you want. 
> 
> *Maybe the reason Kira is one of my favorite characters ever is the fact that no matter what shit gets thrown at her, she perseveres and never compromises her values. That means I need to write about coping with, and recovering, from, trauma.

Commander Sisko came striding purposefully out of his office. "Major Kira," he said in his deep, powerful voice, "I'm going to need your report on the new shift rotations..." He stopped short and looked around Ops, noticing that his fiery-haired first officer hadn't jumped to attention upon hearing her name.

He glanced over at Dax, who shrugged. An hour into the shift rotation and she had yet to appear.

"Sisko to Major Kira," he said, tapping his combadge. When there was no response, he repeated himself, to no avail.

At this point everyone on the bridge was exchanging worried or surprised looks, from Dax and Chief O'Brien to the lowest ranked support staff. Kira doing rounds on the station before coming to Ops was a fairly common occurence – but failing to answer her com badge? Kira would see it as a great personal failing if she didn't respond to her commanding officer while on duty. It was so out of character that everyone's first reaction was concern.

"Computer," said Benjamin, "Locate Major Kira."

"Major Kira is in her quarters," chimed the computer in response.

Dax shot to her feet. "Commander -" 

"Why don't you go check on Major Kira for us, Lieutenant?" Sisko said before she could finish. His calm voice reassured most of the bridge crew, but she exchanged another tense glance with Chief O'Brien on her way to the turbolift. They knew him better, and could tell that he was troubled. 

All of the senior officers had been worried about Kira, ever since they had returned from the Gamma Quadrant without Kai Opaka. It was no small thing, to leave on a runabout with the spiritual leader of all Bajor – arguably the most beloved figure on the entire planet – and return without her. Granted, she had chosen to stay, seeing it as the will of the prophets, but not everyone saw it that way. Kira had been under a lot of scrutiny. She had been with the Kai on that fateful trip – many Bajorans blamed her and Commander Sisko for the Kai's disappearance. Dax suspected she saw the loss of the Kai as a personal failure.

And then there was Mullibok.

Only a few weeks after the incident in the Gamma Quadrant, Bajor had started a major project, tapping into the core of one of its moons – Jerrado – to provide energy for hundreds of thousands of Bajoran homes that winter. All of the inhabitants of the moon had been relocated back to Bajor – all except Mullibok and his two farmhands, who had refused to leave.

Kira hadn't told anyone what had happened on that moon, but on her return had become withdrawn and moody. She had thrown herself into her work, shunned social contact and all but refused to talk to anyone. She had even stopped terrorizing Quark. Nobody knew exactly what had happened, but scuttlebutt was that, under pressure from the provisional government, she'd had to remove Mullibok and his two farmhands by force. Obviously it had deeply affected her, but she evaded any attempt to talk to her about it.

Maybe it was time for an intervention.

 

*

 

Dax arrived outside Kira's quarters and tapped the control panel next to the door. She heard a chime within. "Kira? It's me. Can I come in?" she called through the door when there was no response.

She stood at the door, looking at it thoughtfully, as if she could see through it to the room – and the person – within. She was sure Kira was in there. She turned to the door panel and probed the edge with her fingernails. She found the hidden catch and the cover popped out with a satisfying click. In short order she overrode the locking mechanism, the door clunked open and she stepped inside. 

It was completely dark inside, except for the rectangle of light thrown through the doorway, framing Dax's silhouette. The only other light was the pinpricks of stars outside the viewports. The quarters smelled like stale food and unwashed clothes.

"Kira?" Dax called softly, taking a few steps into the room. The door slid shut behind her, plunging her into darkness. "Nerys?"

There was no response. "Computer, lights – dim," she said. A slow flush of light filled Kira's quarters and Dax saw her sprawled on the couch, staring at the ceiling with both hands folded on her stomach. She was wearing a rumpled pair of uniform pants and a white vest, both of which looked as if she had been wearing them for a few days. She gave no sign of noticing that Dax had entered.

Dax picked her way across the floor, through discarded clothes, half empty plates and bowls of food, and datapads showing everything from phaser maintenance reports to Bajoran religious texts. Her heart sank – it looked as if Kira had been spiralling for weeks.

She knelt next to the couch.

"Nerys," she said softly, putting her hand on Kira's shoulder, "You didn't come to Ops today... I came to check on you."

"I'm sorry. I know I should be there." Kira said flatly. She didn't sound sorry - in fact, she sounded completely detached. Close up, Kira looked dreadful. Her eyes were sunken and bloodshot, her hair was a mess and her face lined with exhaustion. 

"Actually, that's not the real reason I came to see you," said Jadzia, leaning in closer. "We haven't gone out for awhile and I miss eating I'danian Spice Pudding with you." No response – Kira's lips didn't even twitch into the smile Dax wanted to see. Maybe it was her touch that did it, but life seemed to return gradually to Kira's features - life, and sorrow. 

"Use it on me," Kira finally croaked. She sounded as if she was on the verge of tears. "He pointed to my phaser and said, 'You say you're my friend. Prove it. Use that weapon on me.' And I didn't. I gave the order and both of us were beamed up."

Dax waited patiently, as if the slightest sound or movement from her would make Kira stop talking.

"I was ready for him to lose his temper, rage at me, scream at me. Cry. Even attack me. But he didn't. He just... stopped. Switched off. As if a part of him had died. As if his body was the only part of him still alive."

"What happened?" Dax prompted when Kira stopped speaking.

"Dead," Kira answered, her voice a dry rasp. "He went to a hospital after that. He couldn't take care of himself... wouldn't walk, wouldn't speak. The hospital contacted me a few days ago. He... he hung himself."

She turned her head away from Dax again, gritting her teeth and squeezing her eyes shut. She balled up her fist and pressed it hard against her forehead, as if she could crush the memories out of herself. "Forty years he lived on that moon, hiding from the Cardassians. Forty. He built a life for himself out of less than nothing and I... and I..."

She rolled off the couch, the movement taking her past Dax into the middle of the room, and began to pace back and forth. "I spent my whole life fighting the Cardassians, fighting to liberate Bajor. I thought I wouldn't live to see the day. I was so happy when they left... but for what? He survived more than fifty years of the occupation and I come along and finish him off!"

Dax got to her feet and gently took Kira by the shoulders. They stood looking at each other, Kira's eyes filled with tears, her fists clenched at her sides. She was pressing her lips together hard to keep from crying.

"I-I feel like I killed him," she said, looking at Dax's feet, her face contorted with anguish, "Just as much as if I'd shot him."

"You didn't kill him," Dax murmured, helpless and wishing there was something she could do to ease Kira's pain. "It's not your fault."

"The war is over," she said in a harsh croak, as if the words were wrenched out of her against her will, "But I'm still... I'm still..."

Dax took Kira's elbow and guided them onto the couch. Kira held herself stiffly, fists pressed against her thighs and staring at nothing. She was making odd gulping noises, keeping herself from crying, and Dax felt a kind of horrified admiration at how well Kira was able to hold herself together. She knew that in her shoes, she would probably have thrown herself into the nearest pair of waiting arms and broken down completely.

After a few moments of this, she got up lurched the bathroom. It sounded to Dax as if she was splashing water over her face. She returned sheepishly after a few minutes. "I'm sorry," she said, not meeting Dax's eyes, "I didn't mean to..."

Dax got to her feet and stood in front of Kira. "I didn't run away, did I?"

Their eyes met. "You must think I'm a mess."

"Well," Dax replied sympathetically, "Considering what's happened in the last few weeks, I'd be astonished if you weren't a mess."

Kira made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob, "It never seems to end."

"Nerys... maybe it's not my place to say this... but I think you need to see a therapist. Someone who can help you work through all of this."

Kira stared blankly at her for a moment, then stalked off, fists balled at her sides. Every line of her body was tense. "What's the point? After all I've done, all I've fought for, what have I done? I joined the Bajoran militia to help people, to make a change, but what have I done? Send so-called Bajoran extremists to jail? Abandon our Kai on some godforsaken moon in the Gamma Quadrant? Sentence a man to death because he didn't want to leave his home? How come I get to live and he doesn't? Why did I survive?"

She turned on Dax suddenly, throwing her arms up in the air and baring her teeth. "So I could do the Provisional Government's dirty work and clean up their messes? Cause old men to commit suicide so they don't have to? Why me? Why do I deserve to live?"

She crossed her arms and bit her lip, looking furious with herself, as if she wished she could take back what she'd just said.

Dax set her jaw and looked Kira straight in the eye, directly, almost confrontationally. "I don't know if you want my opinion, but here it is. You made the right choice. You had a responsibility to the Bajoran people – there are so many who wouldn't make it through this winter without the power from Jerrado. But you also had a responsibility to Mullibok. You had a responsibility to try and save his life, even if he didn't want you to. You did what you had to do. Everything after that was his choice, and he chose to end his own life. He had the right to do that. You did everything you could to help him and it wasn't enough. It's not your fault."

She stepped closer to Kira, almost invading her personal space. "Everything you do from here on out is your choice. You can grieve, you can mourn, but I can't leave you here to spiral away into depression and I certainly can't stand by and worry that you're going to take your own life. That's my responsibility, even if it means dragging you back to work and to see a therapist myself. And I'll be here for you whenever you need me, even if you don't want my help."

Kira stared up at Dax, her whole face, neck and ears going red. A part of her was busy trying to figure out Dax's angle, trying to figure out what Dax wanted out of her. Was this some kind of play, some way to manipulate her? _Does she think I'll owe her_?Another part of her brain was ready to reject anything Dax had to offer, cataloging all the ways Kira wasn't good enough, all the ways Kira didn't deserve to be saved. Every reason to step out of an airlock or turn her phaser on herself.

It was difficult to breathe, difficult to swallow past the lump in her throat. Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes – it was painful to hold them back. She couldn't give in right now, wouldn't. Later there would be time for that, but she was good at suppressing it. She'd done it all her life.

"Kira to Sisko," she said. The comm system chimed to let her know a channel was open. "I'll be at Ops within the hour. Apologies for the delay, I was... I was detained."

"Acknowledged, Major. There's no rush – take all the time you need."

The look Dax was giving her made her feel warm and full – but if she kept looking, she'd burst. Everything would come pouring out, all the tears she hadn't allowed to herself to cry since the Cardassian occupation had ended, all the confused emotions towards Dax she didn't want to think about right now. She imagined how freeing it would be to go to her right now, be held, cry and confess everything that had happened during the occupation, all of the trauma. What could someone do with that sort of information? What could Dax do with Kira's vulnerability? All of the possibilities seemed terrifying, even the good ones.

All she wanted to do was lie down on the floor and waste away, but that wasn't an option. The pragmatic part of her switched everything off and came to a decision: She had to get rid of Dax so she could pull herself together and get moving.

"You should get back to Ops," she ground out, sharper than she intended. "I'll be there soon. I need to get myself back together."

She couldn't miss the hurt that flashed across Dax's face, quickly hidden. Someone else might have missed it. "Understood," she said evenly, "I'll be getting a raktajino in the replimat after my shift finishes. Care to join me?"

Every part of Kira was screaming to refuse, to isolate herself further. But at the very least, she owed it to Dax for what she had done today. "I'll be there."

"See you in Ops," she said, and then turned to leave – she was biting her lip as if holding back a smile. Happy just to spend time with me, Kira realized.

 

 *

 

"I was worried you wouldn't be here," Kira said as she slid into a seat opposite Dax at the replimat, "I had a lot to catch up on from this morning."

"Well, I wanted to see you. And I have something to read, so I was happy to wait," she smiled.

"Worried I wouldn't show up?" Kira asked with false lightness, blowing on her piping hot cup of jumja tea.

"Why would I worry? You always let me know if you can't make it, which is rarely." She reached across the table to touch the back of Kira's hand. "I hope you don't mind, but I'm not feeling very talkative today. I don't think I'll be good company."

"That's fine," Kira hurriedly reassured her, raising the mug to her lips and pretending to take a sip to escape the warmth of Jadzia's touch. She immediately regretted it as she withdrew her hand to her side of the table. "I'm... thank you. For this morning. I really appreciate what you did for me."

"Anytime," Jadzia smiled. They sat together in silence, her reading her datapad and sipping her raktajino, Kira with both hands wrapped around her mug, staring into its depths as the tea slowly cooled.

 

 


	4. Season 1: Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kira has questions about sexuality, but the best man to answer them is the one she least wants to talk to...

"Doctor," said Major Kira from the infirmary door, "have you got a minute?"

He looked up from his desk and fumbled with some of his files. "Oh, Major! Of course, is there something I can help you with? Feeling under the weather?" He asked, doing a very good job of looking unintimidated.

She walked into the infirmary, looking around at the few patients and junior medical staff. She felt very awkward, swinging her hands and feet much more than usual. "Nope... feeling fine, feeling fine... I actually just wanted to ask you a few questions... just something I was curious about. Something medically-related." She plopped into a seat near him, wondering if she looked as awkward as she felt.

Julian's face lit up with enthusiasm. "Well of course! You've come to the right man, Major. As you know I'm an expert in many subjects. What did you want to ask?" Kira barely managed to keep a straight face at this, although she really felt like rolling her eyes to Bajor and back. He was so full of himself it would be impressive, if it wasn't so annoying.

"I had some questions about..." she cleared her throat and said very quickly, "sexuality."

"Sorry, Major... didn't catch that?"

"Sexuality," she repeated a bit louder than she had intended, causing a few of the Bajoran medical attendants to look round curiously – then look away fast when they saw the formidable look on Kira's face.

"Oh," Bashir said, his eyes widening as the possible implications of what she'd said struck him. "Oh, I see. Well that's as much a social question as a medical one, although I understand Bajorans as a whole have a somewhat regressive view of the subject."

Kira gritted her teeth and took a deep breath. She hated it when Bashir said things like this, but hated it even more when he seemed to be right. "The thing is, some Bajorans say that... homosexuality is a medical condition, like a disease that should be cured... a sickness." She ploughed on, cheeks burning, "Some vedeks say it's against the will of the prophets, some say the prophets created all of us in their image and preach acceptance... In the camps we were all so busy fighting. The Cardassians would violently suppress any same-sex, um, activities, they would call them – which to me, I think anything the Cardassians didn't like, we should be embracing now. But there are so many different viewpoints... I don't know what do think." She ran out of breath and paused to refill her lungs, "I've heard it's different in the Federation..."

He nodded at her understandingly, looking more mature than she thought she'd ever seen him.

He leaned back in his chair and stroked his chin with a thumb and forefinger, looking like a statue of some ancient philosopher. Then he opened his mouth and Kira wondered whether it was worth having her questions answered if she had to listen to him answer them.

"Well Major, I've studied mating behavior in a wide variety of different species and... I can't give you a single answer. Some species are purely heterosexual or homosexual... others are genderfluid or agender, so the question may not even apply to them. Others are pansexual – what we humans call someone who's attracted to all gender," he explained at Kira's bewildered expression, "Some species are asexual, but a great number of species show wide variations of everything, really. Sexuality and gender are really so diverse that to view them merely as a spectrum is to fail to do them justice."

"We humans might be enlightened now," he continued pompously, "But there are many periods of Earth history where some genders and sexualities were considered minorities and were marginalized – brutally so! Nowadays things are different. Starfleet has a strict non-discrimination policy of course, and planets petitioning for Federation membership have to be fully tolerant of all gender and sexualities even if they don't have them."

"But if Bajor wants to apply for Federation membership..." Kira interrupted him, partly to sound out her thoughts and partly to keep him from gaining too much steam, "That's a huge part of our society and culture that has to change..."

"Yes, of course!" Bashir agreed, "But it'll be worth it! Just think of it, Major! You'll be at the forefront of a wave of social change that will herald a new age of peace and tolerance for Bajor!"

"Me? Oh no," Kira panicked and backtracked, "No, I'm not... I mean I think this whole arrangement between the militia and Starfleet is more than enough to keep me occupied."

"You? Oh but of course I wasn't referring to you specifically, unless that's something you – but I'd never make assumptions based on... that is to say," he babbled, face contorting as he tried to work out a suitably inclusive, but plausibly deniable, way to say what he wanted to say without really saying it. It looked extremely painful, as if someone was repeatedly stamping on his foot.

"I really should be getting back to Ops, Doctor," Kira said, shooting to her feet, wondering if her face looked as red as it felt. "Thank you for your time."

"Oh no thanks needed Major, happy to be of assistance! Oh – before you go, I have some additional reading that might interest you..." he whipped out a few datapads and started downloading data onto them so fast his hands were a blur, "And don't hesitate to ask if you have any more questions. Always happy to educate the less informed!" He pressed the datapads into her hands.

Kira couldn't get out fast enough, backing out the door, juggling the datapads and thanking him profusely.

When the door slid shut behind her she heaved out a huge breath and leaned back against it. Why was it that every conversation with Doctor Bashir left her utterly exhausted?

She checked out the first datapad: "A quantitative study of gender and sexuality in Federation member and petitioner species and a comparative analysis with populations of other major powers in the Alpha Quadrant."

They were all like that, she realized with a sinking heart as she flipped through them. But on the last datapad, "Love: Logical? A Vulcan Perspective on Sexual and Romantic Practices in Federation Member Species (Extended Edition)," Dr. Bashir had added a post-script. It read:

_If you need to talk to someone, I'm here for you._

There was a post-post-script, too:

_You probably won't want to talk to me, so I'm volunteering Chief O'Brien to listen on my behalf :)_

It was... strangely touching. She gripped the datapads tighter and started to march back to her quarters, lips pursed into a thin line. She would find the time to read this waffle if it killed her.


	5. Seasons 1, Episode 18: Duet

Dax wasn't exactly sure why she was watching Kira escort Aamin Marritza back to his shuttle. She had been worried about the Major ever since her Cardassian charge had set foot aboard the station, and wanted to see the resolution to all of this firsthand. She also just liked keeping an eye on Major Kira, and with three hundred years of experience in this sort of thing, was self-aware enough to realize that she had a major crush.

 So there she was on the promenade, lurking near an environmental control panel with a datapad held officiously in front of her and trying to look as if she was performing routine maintenance.

  _Major crush_ , she typed into it with a smirk. Couldn't let that one go to waste.

 As Kira and Marritza neared the airlock, closely followed by Odo, Dax tapped random words into her pad. Marritza's head and shoulders seemed to droop under an invisible weight – a far cry from the arrogant swagger of a few days before. Kira seemed to be talking him through something, with an expression like cautious optimism on her face.

 A good sign, Dax thought. As her eyes returned to her datapad, she made a quick scan of the crowd and caught a flash of movement - a man in motion, a hand slipping into a tunic pocket.

 She was up and sprinting without conscious thought – the body of a young martial artist combined with three hundred years of pattern recognition, two brains' worth of muscle memory and pure, driving intent.

 She rammed into the man at full force, tackling him around the middle and slamming him to the floor with enough force to dislocate his shoulder. He roared in pain and struggled to get up, flailing uselessly until Odo's boot descended firmly on his wrist and plucked the knife from his grasp. She felt a flash of annoyance with herself. Sloppy - she should've been able to disarm the man as she tackled him.

 Sloppy, because the sight of a man headed straight for Kira with a knife had made her angry.

 Odo reached down and hauled the man to his feet, Dax rolling away and coming to her feet with the fluid motion of a cat.

 "Why?" Demanded Kira from a safe distance, one hand held protectively in front of Marritza, "He wasn't Darhe'el! Why?"

 "He's a Cardassian! That's reason enough," he spat as he struggled in Odo's grip.

 "No," Kira said, slowly shaking her head and looking as if she couldn't quite believe what she was saying, "It's not."

 "Come on, you," Odo growled in monotone, as if this was just another day at the office. He hauled the still struggling man away. Major Kira stared after him, looking stunned.

 "If it's all the same to you, Major, I think I'd like to get off this station now," said Marritza in in a trembling voice.

 

*

 

Once they'd seen Marritza safely back onto a transport for Kora Two, Kira leaned against the bulkhead and gave a huge sigh of relief. "Thank the prophets you were there."

 "Just lucky I was in the area," Dax said innocently.

 "Yeah... lucky," Kira said, shaking her head at Dax, clearly not fooled.

 They walked up to the observation ring and watched as Marritza's transport detached from the station and jumped to warp.

 "Don't you have to get back to duty?"

 "I have a little time to spare," said Dax. "I have to do an inspection of upper pylon 3. Why don't you walk me there?" They set off at a stroll, Dax seemingly in no hurry at all to resume her duties.

 Her work ethic was completely inscrutable to Kira, who was physically incapable of this sort of meandering even in her off hours, let alone when she was on duty. She wouldn't have tolerated this behavior in any of her subordinates in the miltia. However, Lieutenant Dax wasn't a Bajoran militia officer and she was in no hurry to get rid of her, so she forced herself to walk at Dax's sedate pace. She had decided that this sort of behavior was simply part of Dax's character, and had stopped trying to understand it.

 Dax was just as content to remain silent as she was to walk slowly. She knew that Dax would drag all of her thoughts about Marritza out of her eventually, so decided to get it out of the way there and then.

 "I knew on some level that there were Cardassians who were against the occupation," she said to herself, her voice clipped and uneven as if she was struggling to put thoughts into words, "we had Cardassian informants in their military who would feed us information. There were even Cardassian dissenters, deserters, traitors who some resistance cells would shelter. Some of them became vital parts of the resistance cells. Some of them even have earrings," she said, touching her own absent-mindedly. "Of course, some of the resistance cells, like the Kohn-Ma, were merciless. They killed any Cardassian they could, regardless. For awhile I thought they were right. Even now I have a hard time believing there are any Cardassians who aren't cold-blooded killers."

 "If Marritza had been executed under the name of Darhe'el he would've been a martyr for the Bajoran people. Some people would have let him," Dax said this in a carefully neutral way that made the hairs on the back of Kira's neck stand up.

 "Do you really think that?" She asked, stopping suddenly and making Dax pull away from her a couple steps before she stopped, too.

 "I think it's important to consider all possibilities," Dax said matter-of-factly. "To some people it would've made much more sense politically to allow Marritza to martyr himself."

 Kira grimaced. She hadn't even considered that angle. Once she found out that he wasn't really Gul Darhe'el – the so-called Butcher of Gallitep - releasing him had seemed the only conceivable course of action. What kind of person would sentence him to death knowing that he had been a mere file clerk? "Would you have done that?" she asked, not sure she wanted to know the answer.

 She tilted her head. "Curzon would certainly have... considered it. He always did have a knack for understanding the ramifications of an action and whether the cost would be worth the result." At Kira's horrified expression, she added, "But then again, he was far more ruthless than either Benjamin or myself. Maybe that's why he took Benjamin under his wing."

 Kira stared at Dax. Had Curzon made such decisions in the past? What kind of person did you have to be to make those choices, she wondered.

 "I could never bring myself to do that," Dax said, her expression closed off as if she was looking inward, "I guess that's why I'm not a diplomat. Or an ambassador. Or a politician."

 Not altogether comforted, Kira started walking again and they resumed their circuit of the docking ring, then took a flight of stairs down, entering the noise and bustle of the promenade.

 "What's he going to do now?" Dax asked when they had nearly reached the turbolift that would take her to the upper pylon and away from Kira.

 "I don't think even he knows," Kira said in a voice quiet enough that Dax had to lean in closer to hear her, "Talk to people. There must have been other Cardassians out there, activists, Bajoran sympathizers... There have to be others like him. I have to believe that."

 "And keep in touch with you, I hope?"

 Kira scoffed. "If you told me this time last year that I'd be keeping in touch with a Cardassian," she replied grimly, "I'd have probably turned my phaser on myself in shock."

 Dax leaned in a little closer than necessary. "Well I, for one, am certainly glad you didn't," she said with a playful lilt to her voice that made Kira look round and meet her eyes. To her great satisfaction, Kira's eyes flicked down to her lips before her head snapped back to the front.

 "See you around," she called back as she sauntered into the turbolift, leaving a very confused Major Kira behind her.


	6. Season 1, Episode 19: In the Hands of the Prophets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The arrival of Vedek Winn on Deep Space Nine has set off a series of disturbing events, and tensions are running high.

Dax had almost expected Kira and Sisko to come to blows. They were getting closer to finding the identity of Ensign Aquino's murderer, but in the meantime tensions were high. The Bajoran Ops crew had "fallen ill," which didn't help matters. The school had been bombed - thankfully no one had been hurt - Bajoran businesses were refusing Federation customers, and the atmosphere on the station was like a powder keg waiting to blow.

 "Yes, Lieutenant?" He greeted her curtly as she entered his office, tension and worry in every line of his face and body

 "It's ironic," she said, drifting over to sit on the edge of his desk, "That of all the potential liaisons to the Bajoran militia, you got someone who was just as short-tempered as you were when I first met you."

 For a moment it looked as if he wanted to shout at her. "I shouldn't have spoken to her that way," he admitted after a few moments, leaning back in his chair and having the good grace to look abashed.

 Nobody else on this station could've gotten away with speaking to him like that, but then again, their relationship wasn't what you'd call normal.

 "Curzon always warned you about your temper," she mused, gazing up at the ceiling, "And Curzon would've come down hard on you, much harder than you did with the Major just now."

 "If you have a point, old man, I suggest you get to it," Sisko said, but his tone was light and his lips were twitching, as if he was fighting back laughter and annoyance at the same time.

 "Then again, Curzon had a lot more time to mentor you," she continued as if he hadn't spoken, "and you hadn't been through... what Kira has been through."

 "Point taken," Sisko said thoughtfully, "Now let's get back to work – we still need to find a way to defuse this situation," he finished, switching back from subordinate to commanding officer in an instant.

 "Yes, sir."

 

*

 

Kira was stewing. She was contacting various Bajoran crew members from her station and persuading them back to their stations – although in this case, "persuading" was a fairly relative term.

 "Get your ass back in here, Tamor," she snapped to her Ops station, having no flesh and blood target to glare at, "Or you'll be on the next transport back to Bajor so fast it'll give you whiplash." She stabbed a button on the console to end the transmission and then snatched her finger back with an _ouch!_ shaking it and cursing under her breath.

 "Careful... you don't want a broken console on top of all our other problems."

 Kira shot Dax a look that could cut through bulkheads and pressed her lips together as if a devastating retort was on the tip of her tongue. Then she deflated, shaking her head and leaning wearily on her console.

 Just like with Sisko, Dax doubted anyone else on the station would have gotten away with something like that. _Still got it_ , she thought.

 "We're doing everything we can," she assured Kira, "And we won't stop until we get some answers. Especially Benjamin... once he gets mad he's like an Andorian Pithound that just won't let go."

 "What if we can't fix this, Dax? A school was bombed. A school! Children could have died. And any minute now we might have a full scale riot on our hands."

 She put one hand on Kira's shoulder. "I don't know if we can," she said simply, "But I have to _believe_ it."

 

*

 

Vedek Winn was mentally rehearsing her speech. Tragic, she would say, that we lost one of our own, but is it not the will of the prophets that it is I stand before you now? Should we not turn to the prophets in our hour of sorrow and need, now more than ever? Is it coincidence, we must ask ourselves, that Vedek Bareil, that champion of the Federation, now lies dead? The very Federation that preaches blasphemies against the Prophets in the name of science and progress?

 We must look inward for answers, to gather our strength and build a newer, stronger Bajor. We must reject disbelief and turn to the Prophets for strength and unity.

 She would gracefully receive the adulation of the masses, bestow blessings, promise that she could protect them.

 The crowd filled the promenade from wall to wall, so there barely room to breathe – they were babbling, stretching out hands, holding children on their shoulders, desperate for guidance. They were gathered in front of the burned out school, where Vedek Bareil was addressing the audience with her and three other major players.

 She considered them. Commander Sisko: a pest. He had the power of the Federation behind him and he was too diplomatic, made friends too easily. He was inconvenient, of that there was no doubt, but his Federation's Prime Directive hobbled him. There was no real way he could act against her.

 Major Kira: a naive, brainless fool with a position of some power in the Bajoran militia. More interested in her phaser than in the will of the prophets, she thought savagely. It would be easy enough to keep her in line, and once she had gained enough political power, she could have the Major shipped off to some backwater post where she'd be no threat at all. Her smile became a touch more genuine as she imagined the Major's absolute frustration at being sidelined that way. It would be worth it just to see that. She did feel a twinge of guilt at the thought - as misguided as Kira was, she was still a child of the Prophets. I will bring her back into the fold if I can, Winn vowed.

 Mrs. Keiko O'Brien, the Federation schoolteacher. She had been extremely useful in engineering this sequence of events. She clung fervently to her _science_ , refused to teach Bajoran beliefs as part of her curriculum, and alienated potential allies by referring to the Prophets as 'wormhole aliens.' Once this phase of the plan was over, the good teacher would be of no further use to her and would most likely become so unpopular she'd be forced to leave Bajor for her own safety. It had been a good decision to have the school destroyed - it had escalated the conflict nicely and Keiko had played into it well. The best of it was, nobody would be able to prove Winn's involvement. Even the murder of Ensign Aquino – a blunder on the part of her agent – would never be traced back to her.

 Vedek Bareil - an odious man, Winn thought, too passive, too yielding, too willing to accept change. How would Bajor survive if this weakling was chosen to be the next Kai? No, my people deserve a better leader than that.

  _They deserve me_.

 "...to reject violence as a solution, to join hands with all peoples and begin to trust again," Bareil orated, and the audience burst into applause. She felt a surge of annoyance but didn't let it show on her face. How anyone could stomach Bareil's vapid droning she did not know. Thankfully she wouldn't have to endure it for much longer.

 She gazed into his eyes, beamed at him and applauded politely, tapping her fingers on the back of the hand clasping his. Any second now... any second...

 "Nooooo!" someone bellowed in a deep voice. Winn and Bareil turned and saw, as if in slow motion, someone parting the crowd: her agent Neela, her arm outstretched, phaser in hand and pointing straight at Bareil.

 And between them, sprinting right at her, Benjamin Sisko, the crowd parting before him like water before the prow of a ship.

 Someone trying to get out of his way, their shoulder jostling Neela's arm. A beam of golden light piercing the air, missing Bareil's head by inches and sending a shower of sparks from the promenade railing where it struck.

 Then Sisko took a flying leap, his hands outstretched, seizing Neela's phaser arm and bearing her to the ground. Another blast from her phaser burnt an impotent crescent on the Promenade floor. 

  _She couldn't even take him with her_ , the stupid woman, Winn snarled to herself, even as she forced her face into an expression of shock and concern.

 "The Prophets spoke," Neela shouted as Odo seized her and wrestled her away towards his security office, "and I answered their call!" She repeated over and over as she was marched away, her voice growing fainter and finally fading into the confused, anxious voices of the crowd.

 She ignored this, finished voicing her concern and sympathy to Bareil and turned away, thinking to offer reassurance to the crowd, anything to gain at least some benefit from this bungled situation. Then a rough hand grabbed her by the elbow and yanked her around.

 "It was all to get him here, wasn't it?" Kira accused her, "The school, the protest, the bombing – you knew that would get him out of the monastery. You did it all to kill him – to stop him from becoming Kai."

Winn glared at her and withdrew into the crowd with supreme dignity. How dare she! She fumed, rubbing her elbow as if burned. The nerve of her, the insolence! She just didn't understand, the foolish child. Her sympathetic feelings from moments before had completely vanished. 

 No matter, she consoled herself, it was a small setback in her plans to become Kai. She would succeed, and when she did, she would make Major Kira regret ever laying a hand on her.

 

*

 

In the aftermath, there were more than a few Bajorans talking about how brave Commander Sisko had been to dive on top of the shooter – how he had been willing to take a phaser hit to save Vedek Bareil and Vedek Winn. (The Bajoran public had made the entirely reasonable assumption that the shooter had been aiming for both Bareil and Winn. Since nobody had been able to prove Winn's involvement, Winn had actually received a popularity boost from the publicity.)

 The replimat was full of people talking about what had just happened. Most of them were obviously relieved that the situation had been defused peacefully. Many of them were completely oblivious to what had happened and were simply carrying on as normal, albeit with a little more gossip to lighten up their lives.

 Kira had a small table to herself, a cup of tea and an empty chair opposite her. She took a long, slow sip and stared at nothing. Despite everything that had happened and all the uncertainty lying ahead, she was feeling strangely at ease – something she hadn't felt in – well, she could barely remember the last time she had felt so calm, almost content. As if she was right where she needed to be.

 Dax emerged from the crowd, spotted Kira and slid into the empty seat. "Hey, I got your message," she said with a touch of concern, "Is everything alright?"

 "Oh! I didn't mean to worry you," Kira apologized, smiling in a way that made the corners of her eyes crinkle, "Everything's fine."

 "I just wanted to see you."

 

 

 


	7. Season 2, Episode 1: Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kira and O'Brien have a heart-to-heart on their way to rescue a famed Bajoran war hero from the Cardassians. When she's reassigned to Bajor as a "reward," Julian tries to talk Dax into confessing her feelings for Kira.

The atmosphere was tense in the runabout cockpit. Kira and Chief O'Brien were about to try and rescue Bajoran prisoners of war from an illegal labor camp on Cardassia IV and if something went wrong that would be it for the both of them. But instead of focusing on her mission, Kira couldn't help thinking of the little note Dr. Bashir had left for her on one of the books he'd lent her: _You probably won't want to talk to me, so I'm volunteering Chief O'Brein on my behalf :_ _)_

 If she died, she wouldn't have told anybody about her feelings for Dax, and for some reason that didn't sit right with her.

 But what would I say? Kira wondered. How do you phrase it? So, chief, I think I'm queer… got any technical advice for me?

 She settled for rechecking the propulsion manifolds for the sixteenth time.

“So,” said Miles, drawing out the ‘o’ with apparent relish, as if he was both looking forward to and dreading whatever he was about to say, “Lieutenant Dax, huh?”

“What about her?” Kira asked after a moment of stunned silence, trying (and failing) to keep her voice light.

“You two seem to be hitting it off, is all,” he continued.

“Who told you that?” Kira rounded on O'Brien, alarmed, “Has Dr. Bashir been talking to you?”

“What's he got to do with it? No, it's just, you know,” he shrugged and tilted his head as if he wasn't sure whether further comment would be welcome, “It's pretty obvious there's something going on, if you ask me.”

“Why? What's obvious?” Kira asked, propulsion manifolds forgotten.

He looked extremely uncomfortable now. “Well, it looks like you're, you know… getting a little coupley over there.”

Kira rotated her chair so she was facing away from O'brien and put her hand on her forehead with a groan.

“I'm sorry, Major… I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“No, it's just… nothing's going on between us.”

“With all due respect, Major… are you sure?”

She turned back to him. “I think we can dispense with the ranks now. Off the record… Miles,” she offered.

“Sure… Nerys,” he said.

They exchanged awkward glances.

 "What do you mean, am I sure?" Nerys asked, brow furrowing.

 "Well, yeah," said Miles, "It seems pretty obvious that there's something going on between the two of you."

 "How is that obvious?" Kira leaned forward, embarrassed but still genuinely curious.

 "A lot of it is the way you look at each other," Miles said, leaning forward and gesturing with his hands as if he was explaining a basic engineering problem to a somewhat dimwitted junior officer, "You look at her differently than the rest of us. It's a lot more, um, intense. And your eyes kind of light up when you see each other for the first time in the morning, like."

 If they had been having this conversation a year ago, she would have denied everything. But what was the point now? "The way she acts around me sometimes, some of the things she's said... but I thought I was imagining things?"

 He was shaking his head even before she had finished her sentence. "She's definitely got her eye on you, Nerys. Even I can see it, and I'm not exactly an expert when it comes to relationships."

 Relationships! She didn't know why that word affected her so much. Logically, she knew that's where this could lead, but hearing it from Miles' mouth made it real.

 "Miles," she said, her voice low, "I've never really... I've never really been in a relationship before. I just never... I have no idea what to do," she finished helplessly.

 "I wouldn't worry about it, Maj- Nerys. Lots of people never have relationships at all and it's not uncommon for people to wait a long time for the right person comes around. That's how it is with humans anyway, and from what I hear trills aren't much different. And to be quite honest," he laughed, "even those of us who've been in relationships for years don't _really_ know what we're doing. Just ask Keiko about that!"

 "I wouldn't even know how to bring it up. What if she's not interested?"

 "Well, firstly, so what if she isn't? It's her loss. At least then you'll know, and you can get on with finding someone else. It'll be awkward for awhile, but you'll move past it. Between you and me though, I think she's just waiting for you to ask her out."

 "Ask her out? Like on a date?"

 Miles chuckled at the horrified expression Kira's face. "It's not so bad. You're already good friends, so you can choose to do something you know you'll both like. Or something she's been wanting to do for awhile but never got round to. There's loads of things on Bajor you could do, and she's a science officer, she's interested in everything. And even if she's not, she'll still be happy to go and spend some time with you. It'll be awkward and you'll be nervous – first dates are always like that."

 Kira bit her lip and shook her head. "Is it really that easy?"

 "Oh, not at all. It's damn hard work. It's scary. You never know what'll happen. But that's what makes it special."

 Kira sat in silence for awhile, staring at her hands until Miles spoke again, "I know I'm going to sound like an old man saying this, but... you're both young. Women like her don't come around often. Chances like these – you've got to grab them while you can. That's how I ended up with Keiko – we took a chance on each other and now I've got the most wonderful wife in the galaxy. Are you gonna regret it if you don't try?"

 There was no doubt about it. How would she feel if Dax took another assignment, or if something happened to one of them and she never told Dax how she felt? The thought of that was even scarier than the prospect of telling her in the first place. She looked up at him and nodded slowly.

 "Exactly. And I'll be rooting for you. If you need advice or support – hell, if you want, Keiko and I'll write you a script so you know exactly what to say to her!"

 She beamed at him. "Thanks, Chief – I mean, Miles!"

 "Anytime, Nerys," he said, clasping her hands in his and looking at her with such genuine fondness that she was reminded of her father. "Now let's go back to you being my senior officer and go rescue us a war hero."

 "Right, Chief," she said, and they turned back to their control panels with new resolve. If she needed any more motivation to get them back to Deep Space Nine in one piece, this was it.

  

*

  

Dax and Dr. Bashir were walking side by side, having just left Kira's quarters after drinking their way through all of Quark's synthale. It had been a very small bottle, so Kira had produced a bottle of Bajoran Kala brandy from her footlocker that she'd been saving for a special occasion. Nobody had expected this special occasion to be Major Kira's unceremonious 'reassignment' to Bajor. 

 Both of Dax's brains were pleasantly fuzzy, and Julian – who had almost three hundred years less experience holding his drink than her – was weaving a little by her side.

 "Ahh, I'm going to miss Major Kira," he slurred, "I think she was starting to like me, you know. Well, get used to me, anyway."

 "Me too," Dax agreed morosely, a grave understatement if ever there was one.

 "So that Vedek Bareil... inviting Kira to his monastery."

 Dax didn't respond.

 "To 'help Kira's bruised spirit,'" he intoned in a fairly good impression of Vedek Bareil's deep, slow voice.

 She kept walking.

 "From the looks he was giving her I think he's got more than spiritual matters on his -"

 "Julian!" she snapped.

 "What?" he asked innocently, stopping and wobbling a little on the spot, "I'm just saying..."

 "It's none of our business, that's what," Dax told him sternly.

 "Oh, isn't it," he crowed, as if he'd just won an argument, "Then why were you giving Bareil all those nasty looks the whole time he was there?"

 "What? No I wasn't!"

 "Oh yes you were, I saw you doing it! You were! Because you like-like her!"

 "No I don't! I mean I do, but -"

 "Puh-LEASE, Jadzia, I'm a DOCtor. I can tell these things. You have a crush on that feisty little Bajoran and you won't even admit -"

 "Fine!" Dax shouted at him, realizing suddenly that she was a lot more drunk than she'd thought, "Fine, I have a crush on her, if you want to use such a juvenile word to -"

 "Yes I do, and furthermore, I can't believe you're just going to stand by and watch Vedek Bareil," he drew the man's name out in contempt and made a face as if he'd just swallowed a mouthful of rotten Gagh, "Take Kira away to his monastery for ' _meditation_ ' or whatever they -"

 "I can't do anything about it, Julian!" she balled her fists up at her sides as if restraining herself from hitting him.

 "The hell you can't! Tell her how you feel before she leaves for Bajor and you never see her again! Or elopes with that bloody Vedek-"

 Dax slumped against a bulkhead. "She'd be better off with him. It'd be too much for her... you know what she's like, what Bajor is like..."

 "How can you say that? Doesn't she have the right to decide for herself? She's not a child, you know!" When he'd finished saying this, Julian spun around dramatically, realized that she had stopped following him, and tottered back down the corridor towards her.

 "You're right," Dax said as if awed by the sudden realization, "I should tell her! Right now!" She immediately turned to go back towards Kira's quarters, overbalanced and staggered into Julian.

 They clung to each other, swaying drunkenly for a few moments. "Maybe it can wait until you're sober," Julian suggested. "Now help me back to my quarters so I can throw up somewhere private."

 

 


	8. Seasons 2, Episode 2: The Circle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kira receives a vision from the Orb of Prophecy and Change - a vision that prominently features Jadzia Dax.

Jadzia ran headlong into Kira just as she was getting ready to leave. Her duffel bag dropped to the floor.

 "Jadzia!" Kira gasped breathlessly over Dax's mumbled apologies. "I-I was just about to -"

 "You can't leave," blurted Dax, grabbing Kira's shoulders and keeping her from bending down to pick her duffel bag back up.

 "What? What's wrong, Jadzia?" Kira asked, her face shining with concern.

 "You can't leave because I've got to tell you..."

 "Tell me what?" Kira's eyes were so concerned, so intense, and her lips were slightly parted as she looked up into Dax's face. Her concern grew as Dax seemed to fight some painful internal battle.

 "Oh, to hell with it," Dax muttered, grabbed Kira by the waist and pulled her in for a kiss.

 Kira stiffened for a moment in shock... then she gave a kind of ecstatic hum that made Dax weak in the knees. She melted against Dax and pushed her up against the bulkhead. Her head was spinning – this felt so good. Kira's body was so solid in her arms, her lips were hungry and insistent. She walked Kira backwards towards the bed with every intention of taking this to the next level, leaned forward -

 - and fell off her bed onto the floor in a tangle of sweaty blankets.

 After a few moments of sputtering and fighting her way free of the blankets, she lay face down, groaning. It felt like she'd been hit on the head with the flat of a batt'leth. This was a sharp and unpleasant contrast with the insistent pulsing between her legs, and the fact that she was so thoroughly wet.

 She rolled over onto her side. "Computer," she croaked, "Time?"

 "The time is 0923 hours"

 "Shit!" Dax cursed, scrabbling around for her clothes, "Computer, where is Major Kira?"

 "Major Kira departed the station at 0900 hours and is no longer aboard."

 Dax flopped over on the floor. Damn Julian and his weak stomach! And why did she have to drink so much? Now she no idea when she'd see Kira again.

 

*

 

Bareil led Kira into a room in the monastery. Late morning sunlight spilled in through the tall windows and bathed the room in warm, clean light. She took a deep breath as the the smells of crisp Autumn air and devotive incense enveloped her.

 "I've never been to this part of the monastery before," Kira said as she moved slowly into the center of the room, marvelling at how much more serene this room felt compared to the others.

 "May it be the first of many visits," Bareil said quietly.

 "Bareil, maybe we should talk abou-"

 She stopped abruptly as she caught sight of the altar at the far end of the room. It was drenched in sunlight, and set atop it on a pedestal – an ornately carved iron casket, about two feet tall. Through the oval windows carved into its sides shone a pure blue glow that made the sunlight seem dim by comparison.

 An Orb of the Prophets.

 She bowed her head, breathing heavily. "Oh, Bareil," she breathed, "All my life I've dreamed of this."

 Bareil opened the case and a clear, ringing sound filled the room. The form within glowed with a light so profound that the whole room seemed to become dull and grey – but the light didn't hurt or make her squint – instead it seemed to draw her gaze and soothe her, as if it was melting away all the tension she didn't know she had.

 "It is the third orb, the orb of prophecy and change," Bareil intoned.

 "What do I do?" Kira asked, a note of pleading in her voice.

 "Be useless, Nerys," Bareil said from the doorway, "Allow the Prophets to guide you."

 The door clicked softly shut, and as it did, the blue light swept out and enveloped her.

 She was in the chamber of ministers, in full uniform, and the ministers surrounded her, shouting and gesticulating – so loudly she couldn't pick up a single word, just a roar of sound.

 Someone wearing Kai's robes strode towards her out of the crowd. "Bareil," she said in confusion.

 "Listen to them, Nerys," he said.

 "I can't hear them!"

 "It's alright. Listen." They embraced, and Kira smiled. But then the form in her arms changed - it was Vedek Winn she was embracing now, not Bareil.

 "Can you hear them, child?" Winn said in her soft, unctuous tone. Kira recoiled.

 "I hear them, Major," gloated Minister Jaro from behind her, "They're calling to me."

 Then from out of the crowd came Dax in a Bajoran Major's uniform. "Don't listen to them, Nerys," she said urgently, "Allow yourself to hear them. They're calling to you."

 Kira was naked.

 "Blasphemy," Winn whispered furiously.

 "Listen to them, Nerys,"Dax said.

 "Help me to hear them," Kira begged, "I don't know how."

 "But you do," Dax murmured, and suddenly she was behind Kira, the warmth of her naked body radiating against Kira's back.

 "You do." Kira gasped as Dax wrapped her arms around her waist and drew her close, pressing against her back.

 "You do," she whispered as Kira turned in her embrace, looked up into her eyes, leaned up, their lips growing closer and closer...

 With a shimmer of blue, Kira was standing in the monastery again. The casket had closed, and the blue glow receded. She stood gasping for breath, mind reeling, trying not to faint.

  

*

 

Commander Sisko tapped his comm badge. "Dax, open a channel to Bajor. Tell them Li Nalas wants to address the Chamber of Ministers on subspace."

 "I can't do it, Benjamin," she declared, striding through the infirmary door and making everyone jump, "All frequencies to Bajor are jammed. We lost all communication with the planet five minutes ago."

 "Then it's started," said Kira, sitting on an infirmary bed. Dr. Bashir was next to her with a dermal regeneration unit, trying vainly to keep her in one place long enough to use it.

 Dax looked round at her and her eyes went wide. There were scorch marks on Kira's tunic, stains on her pants and boots that looked as if she'd been dragged and thrown around. She had a black eye, the eyelids almost swollen shut, and there were gashes all over that side of her face that were still oozing blood.

 She closed the distance with three long strides and, very gently, took the uninjured side of Kira's face with one hand and put the other on the back of her neck. She glanced at Dr. Bashir, who gave her a very grateful look and began to run the dermal regeneration unit over Kira's wounds.

 Dax let go slowly, as if Kira might start protesting again at any moment. Kira, however, kept perfectly still. Her cheeks were starting to glow red, and she was staring unblinking at the corner of Dax's clenched jaw. A muscle was working there soundlessly, and when she looked up into her eyes, she saw that Dax's face was set with a protective fury completely at odds with the gentle touch of her hands. As if she'd gladly kill whoever had done this to Kira.

 "Get me Admiral Chekote on subspace," Benjamin ordered, his voice grim. Dax gave Kira an apologetic look, gave her hands a quick squeeze, then followed Sisko, Odo and Li Nalas out of the infirmary.

 "... get Dax in here to hold you down!"

 "Sorry? Ouch!" Kira exclaimed, turning to Dr. Bashir too quickly and getting poked by his medical unit as a result.

 "I _said_ ," he sighed in exasperation, "Now I know what to do the next time you refuse treatment – get Dax in here to hold you down!" Then he took her chin in a gentle but firm grip and continued his ministrations.

 Kira kept quiet, staring at the infirmary door through which Dax had just disappeared, her heartbeat pounding in her ears.

 "There!" he said after a few more passes. "All done, and may I remind you, Major, that it would have taken half as long if you had just kept _still_!"

 


	9. Season 2, Episode 3: The Siege

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do Major Kira and Lieutenant Dax do after exposing Minister Jaro?

Kira would never forget the way she felt that day, standing in the chamber of ministers, everyone around her in an uproar. Some were scandalized, outraged as they talked about minister Jaro. Was it possible such an influential minister could be manipulated by the Cardassians? Many were talking about her – in admiring, astonished tones. She could hardly believe it.

And across the chamber, enough to make her forget all about the ministers, Dax was looking at her with pride and – was it affection? Warmth rushed through her and her head seemed to temporarily take leave of her body. How long had it been since she ate?

It was early morning. The chamber of ministers was at the heart of the capital city and all the street food vendors would start serving breakfast soon. If you could get ahead of the rush everything would be fresh and hot. 

Another member of the Bajoran militia approached her with a stern look on his face. "Major Kira," he said, "If you'll come with us, we have to take a statement from you regarding tonight's events."

"With all due respect," she said, already moving towards Dax and the exit. "I think it can wait till we come back from breakfast."

She left him with his mouth agape, perhaps wondering if he had the authority to make her stay. She smiled – she was going to spoil Dax for all her help and she had just the place in mind. Sure, she might get in trouble for this - but as she pictured the look of pleasure on Dax's face as she dug into a hot Bajoran breakfast in the early morning, wearing her vedek's disguise and with her fake but realistic nose ridges, she knew that it would be worth it.


	10. Season 2, Episode 4: Invasive Procedures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dax's symbiont is almost stolen. Kira wants to know more about who Dax was before her joining.

Kira didn't know what was worse: watching Dax walk stoically out of Ops to what could possibly be her death – or watching Verad walk back in and seeing, without a doubt, that the operation had been a success. That he wasn't just Verad anymore, but Verad Dax. 

Gone was the slight hunch to his shoulders and the nervous stutter. He stood tall with his shoulders back and chest out. His expression had become so much more confident that it bordered on arrogance – and even his jaw looked squarer. 

Kira could hardly believe the difference. She wondered what Jadzia had been like before she'd been joined – had she been a completely different person, too? Had she gone from a nervous, stuttering woman to the confident one she was now?

Was she even the same woman now? Kira wondered, unable to tear her eyes away from Verad's face. Would she go back to being the same person she'd been before the joining – would she keep her memories? Would she even remember me?

But she probably won't survive, Kira thought, clenching her fists so hard her fingernails dug painfully into her palms. She might be lying in the infirmary right now, dead or dying...

A wave of hatred broke over her as she stared at Verad as she remembered the way Jadzia had left Ops. Calm and accepting of her fate – because she didn't want any more people hurt if she could avoid it. If this new Verad Dax possessed even a shred of Jadzia Dax's integrity he wouldn't be standing here. He'd have marched straight back into the infirmary and given the symbiont right back. 

***

"Jadzia was the shyest, most introverted person you could ever meet," Dax told her the next time they went out for dinner, when Kira asked. It was only a few days after the incident with Verad, and she was still paler than normal and somewhat hollow eyed. She was on medical leave and wasn't up to much except lunch with Kira.

"She was brilliant – dedicated, studious. Completely dedicated to the initiate program, no social life at all, no interests outside academics. She didn't drink, didn't gamble... she was pretty boring to be around, actually." She smirked in a way that made Kira's stomach flip flop. "Sweet, though."

"Jadzia... I don't understand how you can refer to yourself in the past tense... as if you were a completely different person, or as if you're talking about another person altogether. Aren't you the same person?" Kira asked, leaning forward over her Andorian pala fry with a fascinated expression.

"Yes and no," Dax said, bemused at Kira's interest. "In a sense, I am a completely different person than Jadzia was. If we met now we'd barely know each other. I'm also completely different from Curzon Dax. On the other hand, we share certain things, like different people would share similar interests. Some things seem to have come about specifically because of the joining – like my interest in gambling. It's almost as if we're siblings, old friends, or that I'm a future version of these past selves, as if I was transgender. In a sense, I am."

"What do you mean?" asked Kira.

"Well, in a very literal sense, I've changed genders and bodies multiple times over the course of my life." Jadzia's life, Kira wondered, or the symbiont's life? "Because of that, trills have a much looser outlook on gender than many other societies. It's extremely common for trills to be nonbinary or genderfluid. You can choose your gender whenever you feel like it – or never, if you don't. Practically every trill is pansexual. That was one of the biggest things I had to deal with when I left the homeworld. Some other races have... more regressive views on gender and sexuality." She shrugged and grimaced, "Although as a starfleet officer I'm not supposed to judge... well, maybe just this once since we're off duty."

Kira had to mull this over in silence for a moment. It had been in the texts Julian had given her, but it was different hearing it from someone in person – and hearing it from Dax specifically. It was hard to swallow and her knee jerk reaction was to balk, but on the other hand, it sounded awfully freeing and relaxing to be able to choose everything about yourself and have everyone accept it!

Dax was watching Kira, and her dark, intense gaze made Kira's stomach do its usual belly flop.

Kira scrambled for something to say and blurted out, "I wonder what I would've been like if I'd grown up on Trill."

"I might never have met you," Dax replied, "And my life would be... much less for it. Not that I'm trying to make this about me," she added quickly. 

"You really like me, don't you?" Kira asked.

"Glad I managed to signal that." Dax gave her hand a little squeeze and then released it. How were her hands so warm?

Ask her out! Ask her out! Ask her out! A voice in Kira's head stage-whispered to her. But she didn't. Next time, she promised herself, next time.


End file.
